March 23, 2023
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness. That is a friend who cares.”
– Henry Nouwen
Many people, maybe most people, don’t share when they’re in pain. Not because they think they’re necessarily stronger than everyone else — and have to “suck it up.” But because they came to believe throughout life, and especially in their early years, that whenever they tried to share with someone, that person didn’t care.
An entire generation grew up with parents who never really understood compassion, largely because they had their own emotional needs that were never attended to.
Frank was raised in an alcoholic home, and from his youngest years, he learned he couldn’t go to his father if his feelings were hurt, or if there was a tragedy like his dog dying, or if he had been unfairly criticized at school. There was no compassion there to give, there was only emotional abuse and humiliation. So the lesson was clear. He kept everything inside.
Brendan was raised in a family of seven children, and there was a lot of competition for his mother’s sympathy. His father, however, had none. He’d swat Brendan across the back of the head and tell him to get over it.
Does this sound familiar? Years later, those of us suffering from what we could call a compassion deficiency are able to immediately detect when someone’s not really listening if we try to share our sadness. There are signs. A distracted glance. No eye contact. Or insincere advice like “You’ll get over it.” Even worse, sometimes you’re met with silence or a “let’s change the subject” attitude when you try to express your emotional pain.
Yes, Frank can sense if a person isn’t really listening or doesn’t care … and he shuts up. Healing can be harder for people who come from an environment where compassion was absent.
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Don’t be discouraged no matter what your life experience tells you; there are compassionate people who care. They are there for you as long as you’re willing to open up.