April 21, 2023
“Tragedy is the common lot of man. So many people have lost children, I remind myself…. This tragedy is such an inextricable part of my story that it cannot be left out of an honest record.”
– Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Even casual conversations can be fraught with uncomfortable moments on our journey to healing. There are questions that we don’t want to answer even when well-intentioned friends and family members ask, so it just seems easier to dodge them and move on to topics that are inconsequential to avoid exacerbating the pain.
There are many questions you will want to avoid, especially when you see someone approach who is inquisitive. You may want to walk the other way because retelling the story only reopens the wound in your heart.
Carolyn Killian, Director of Bereavement for Catholic Cemeteries of the Diocese of Bridgeport, says that sharing can be particularly painful for someone who has lost a child or a loved one to suicide or a drug overdose.
“Most people have no idea how much energy it takes for the grieving person to work hard ‘to keep conversations comfortable’ for both parties,” she says. “Grieving people can feel especially conflicted in social settings.” They are assaulted by difficult questions, such as “Do I mention my deceased child or not?” when someone asks how many children they have. And “Do I tell people who are sympathetic and not others, who are merely inquisitive?”
These are issues that you have to address in the moment, while trying to be honest, frank and fearless. There is no simple answer.
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During your grief, you may eventually reach the point where you’ll want to avoid answering even the most well-intended question, such as “How are you doing?” You may not want to retell everything you’ve suffered. Sometimes, you may find yourself answering, “OK … thanks for asking,” and leave it at that, even though you know “OK” isn’t entirely true.