April 16, 2023
“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”
– Edna St. Vincent Millay
After Ralph’s wife died, for the first time he realized everything she did … and he was angry that she left him all the bills to pay. Then, he was guilty that he was angry and had minimized her role to that of a bookkeeper. Then, he was anxious because he had to learn how to do something a grown man should have learned long ago. Then, he felt foolish when he considered the kaleidoscope of emotions he was feeling, which he had no control over.
It didn’t make any sense to Ralph, but it made a lot of sense to anyone who has walked the path from grief to healing. Don’t expect rational behavior. You’ll never make sense of it.
After the shock wore off, he sat down and took an inventory of all she did and acknowledged there were many, many roles she fulfilled. She was a wife, a mother, a housekeeper, an accountant, a cook, the family counselor, the chauffeur for the grandkids, the property manager, the laundry woman, the keeper of the events calendar, the gift buyer, his excuse maker … and the woman who prayed for anyone who asked, including Ralph.
He spent some time cataloging all her roles and responsibilities, and when he realized the sum and substance of what she did — and that she was gone — he panicked and that panic lasted a long time. Life was no longer business as usual.
Whenever they argued, she would occasionally sneer at him and say, “You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.” She was so right. He missed her.
***
Our loved ones are much more than a collection of responsibilities, and when they die, there’s a tremendous void in our lives. Emotionally and practically.