January 13, 2024
“Lord, give me the strength and courage to choose the right course, even when the sea is rough and the waves are high, knowing that through enduring hardship and danger in your name we shall find comfort and peace.”
— St. Basil of Caesarea
None of his sisters and brothers wanted to be in the room when Tom told their mother her driver’s license was being taken away because of her Alzheimer’s. It didn’t matter, she blamed them all anyway and never forgave them … until the time came when she didn’t have to forgive him because she forgot who they were. Her health declined, her memory failed, her moods became volatile.
It was a long hard road for their family … especially when there were other crises to deal with. A son with a drug problem, a daughter who quit college, a failed marriage, a father who lost his job, a mother suffering depression. And hanging over all their heads was their mother’s inevitable death.
The cliche “Life is messy” has a lot of truth to it. Waiting for someone to pass away only adds to the messiness.
Grieving can begin long before a loved one dies, particularly with long illnesses and cognitive decline. Then, there are those cases where someone we love was told they had a few months left, but defied the odds and lived for years. However, those months of waiting prolonged the pain. This is called “anticipatory grief” or “preparatory grief.” And along the way, the family and friends keep anticipating a loss that often is delayed.
Some of the signs of anticipatory grief are frequent thoughts about loss, sadness, emotionally preparing for what is to come, acting as if the loss has already occurred, and disconnecting from the person we expect to lose to minimize the blow.
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It’s always best to live life a day at a time because it’s easier. It’s not free of worry, anxiety and pain, but neither is it overwhelming.
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