The Healing Journey

September 23, 2023

Do we really know what it’s like?

Those who are grieving are often upset to be told, “I know what it’s like,” however well-intentioned the words may be from a friend or associate.

You see, while all grief is the same in some ways, all grief is different in other ways.

Carolyn Killian, Director of Bereavement for Catholic Cemeteries of the Diocese of Bridgeport, says just because someone has experienced the same loss does not necessarily mean they know what your loss is like. Two people may both have lost their mothers, but the experience could be entirely different. One woman may have lived with her mother for most of her adult life, while the other could have left her right after graduating from high school and going to college.

“People can get angry to hear you say, ‘I know what it’s like to lose a brother,’” Carolyn says, “especially if their life experiences were entirely different.”

Better to offer condolences by saying, “I’m so sorry about your loss.” And then share your personal experience. Have empathy for another person’s pain but avoid generalizing because while all grief may seem the same, it’s not.

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Even though your experiences may seem the same, the pain is different.