March 21, 2023
– Anonymous
Some loss may be welcomed loss. There are those who’ve suffered emotional and physical abuse, cheating, and addiction, and endured it for years, or even decades, in a bad relationship.
When the person who caused their torment dies, the first emotion they feel isn’t sadness, but relief. They often believe their torment is over. But is it? Anger and resentment can linger for a long time. Those unresolved emotions may be repressed, but they won’t go away.
Perhaps their spouse or partner had a substance abuse problem, perhaps he or she squandered the savings, or perhaps they were humiliating and insulting. The dynamics that govern these relationships are complex and dark.
For years, Joan was in a toxic relationship. When her partner died, she wasn’t sad at first. Actually, she wasn’t even sure what she was supposed to feel.
When the person dies, we may think our lives have been liberated, but that’s not necessarily the case. The emotions we feel may be contradictory and confused. Relief, regret, guilt, gladness… anything is possible. Moreover, these contradictory emotions can change from one minute to the next.
But somewhere on the path to healing — because a commitment to healing is particularly important after a toxic relationship — you will have to start thinking about forgiveness. You will have to think about forgiving yourself and forgiving the person who abused you. Otherwise, resentment will follow you. Consider seeking individual counseling to get the support you deserve. Consider joining a bereavement group. Consider an honest discussion with a friend you trust.
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Sometimes you will feel contradictory emotions after your loss. Keep your mind and heart open to the idea that one day you may be in a position to forgive.