May 11, 2023
“They mustn’t know my despair. I can’t let them see the wounds which they have caused. I couldn’t bear their sympathy and their kind-hearted jokes, it would only make me want to scream all the more.”
– Anne Frank
Be prepared. When you lose someone you love, even your most well-intentioned friends may act strange. It can hurt you. It can confuse you. It can anger you.
However, the simple reality is that death is an uncomfortable subject for many people. They don’t want to talk about it, and they’re unable to deal with people, sometimes even close friends, who’ve lost someone. As a result, you may think their responses to you are deficient, miscalculated, insensitive and insincere.
Many of them don’t know what to say, so they find themselves resorting to the time-worn phrases, such as “My condolences” or “You’re in our thoughts” or “We’re praying for you.” Or “It may seem hard to accept, but it was God’s will” or “I know how you feel” or “She’s in a better place.”
Others prefer not to talk about your loss at all. They may avoid you or change the subject. They may ask how you’re doing but get nervous when you start telling them.
You will quickly learn which people truly share your suffering. Often, they too may not know what to say, so they’ll say nothing … but they’ll be there for you. They’ll listen and they won’t run away.
Try to avoid being insulted or hurt by the myriad of responses you will receive from people who are afraid to discuss death. Usually, they truly care about you and are sorry for your loss, but words fail them when they’re confronted with grief.
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Sometimes even the people who love us dearly won’t live up to our expectations.