April 18, 2023
“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”
– Dalai Lama
Carolyn Killian, Director of Bereavement for the Diocese of Bridgeport, says so many people who come to her bereavement sessions say they are upset by the way people respond to them because of their loss. Sometimes they want to yell out loud in frustration.
One of the frequent complaints of those who are grieving, she says, can be expressed like this: “Don’t hand me a book, a poem or an article because when you do that — however well-intentioned you are — the unspoken message seems to be ‘I can’t deal with your emotions’ or ‘Giving you this means I can check off the box that says I’ve fulfilled my obligation.’”
They are satisfied that they’ve done something to help a friend who is grieving. The gesture is especially annoying if they haven’t even read the book, which seems to imply: “Now, go in the corner, read this book, be quiet and get over it.”
Carolyn says many people have told her that in addition to being hurt, they’re annoyed by this dismissive response to their grief. Even if that’s not the person’s intention, people who are grieving feel they are sending a message that says, “Don’t expect me to listen to you or walk with you because I can’t deal with your pain.”
Even though you may feel this way, always remember that we’re all imperfect. Sometimes that’s the best our family members and friends can do. Sometimes you just have to live and let live, and learn from other people’s insensitivities.
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Even well-meaning friends may annoy you and hurt you unintentionally.