December 18, 2025
The following has been excerpted from Deborah DiSesa Hirsch’s column, “Christmas Has Always Been a Conflicted Time for Me.”
“Christmas always has me feeling happy and sad, sad because many of my relatives are no longer here, and happy because many of my relatives are no longer here. Christmas has always been a conflicted time for me.
When I was a kid, the holiday was very festive. For just one day, we could pretend that we all got along with each other and even think about making plans to do it again. Then the next day came, and we stopped sending birthday cards again.
Christmas was always supposed to be the time when wishes come true. For me, it was 10 years hoping for an engagement ring, and when it finally came (‘I guess we could get married’), it seemed too big an announcement, so I settled for a tiny diamond.
Then one Christmas, my biggest wish came true. I was pregnant. Sadly, that only lasted for six weeks….My mother always wanted Christmas to be a wonderful time, and so I struggled every year to buy her the biggest, best present I could think of. And when it was never enough (she was clinically depressed), I felt the biggest heartbreak. But still, I kept trying, thinking, this is the year. Now that she is gone, I see how hard I tried to make her happy. Now I realize it was up to her.
This year, my son is long past the age when he couldn’t wait to get up on Christmas morning and run to the tree. I’m grateful he helps me get the tree, and decorate it, even though he and his father are Jewish, and so don’t have the desire I do….So, this Christmas I’m doing something new. I’m thinking about all that I have (what’s that saying? Don’t have what you want. Want what you have). I’m grateful. I’m happy we’re all healthy. We have a roof over our heads.
Not for us a six-bedroom home (though we could use another bathroom) or a vacation in the Dominican Republic. No, none of that. But it’s enough. Merry Christmas, everyone.
Deborah DiSesa Hirsch is the author of “Counterfeit Mother,” a memoir (counterfeit-mother.com).
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