The Healing Journey

December 9, 2025

When someone who hurt us dies

By Michael Shea

The longer we live, the more often we are faced with the death of loved ones, and the pain and grief that comes with it. But what happens when someone who has hurt us dies? It can create a unique type of grief. We are confronted with feelings of guilt for “not trying harder” or “Why wasn’t I more understanding?” We can feel bad for not feeling bad.

The simultaneous feelings of grief, anger, and relief can certainly be daunting. This is not unusual. Often times, as in the case of an abusive parent or partner, the loss is unconventional in that we have already grieved their loss long before they died, sometimes consciously, often not. We grieve the time spent being victimized, as well as the life we never had because of it.

People can be challenging, and this can make their deaths that much more confusing. The important thing is that we be honest with ourselves. The loss of such a person may trigger a plethora of unpleasant memories, thoughts and feelings. This, too, is not unusual. It is common for people to embellish the character of someone who dies, to make them bigger, greater and more than they actually were. We amplify positive traits that were never there in hopes of feeling that our grief is “appropriate” or that “I am still a good person” in spite of the feelings being experienced.

Grieving someone who hurt you involves acknowledging your emotions, processing the loss, and setting healthy boundaries for your own peace of mind. Understand that painful feelings can accompany such a loss. Talking with friends about the loss, journaling, or talk therapy are just some of the ways to begin to accept the complex emotions that may come with losing someone who hurt us.

***